*This post contains graphic details*
Sharing this now because I’m ready to, and because when it happened to me, I found strength from other women with similar stories.
Jude is my rainbow baby. I chose the name because Saint Jude is the patron saint of hope, and Jude is my hope.
I had a miscarriage in November 2019. At 8 weeks, I had seen my baby and heard its heartbeat. I was elated; we had been trying for a second baby for 2 years. Then, at 11 weeks, just a day shy of my next gynae appointment, I discovered, to my greatest fear and dismay, that I was bleeding. We rushed to the gynae, he did a scan and there was no heartbeat. The foetus had failed to grow for two weeks. In a flash, all our joy and hope was gone. I felt grief like never before. Shock, then anger, and then sorrow. I wanted to sink into my own darkness and weep. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either.
Because my body had not expelled the foetus fully, I had to expedite the process myself by stuffing pills into my body. Cramps and more bleeding followed. I cried more than ever and hid in my room all day. Even though my husband stayed by my side, I still felt very lonely at times. No one can really know how it feels to lose a life that was inside you, unless it’s from personal experience.
A friend sent me this when she knew what happened: “To think, the first thing you saw when you opened your tiny little eyes was the face of Jesus.” I found great consolation in these words. I’ll see my angel baby in Heaven.
If you are going through or have been through something similar, please know that you are not alone. And it is nothing to be ashamed of. And you can grief. And you can cry (or not). And you will find solace. And when you can finally see light through the tears, you will be stronger, better, kinder.
At the end of 2019, I lost hope for a while. At the start of 2020, I found hope again. I was afraid, but hope gave me courage. I am immensely grateful. As we bid goodbye to a challenging year, let’s hold on to hope.❤️ #miscarriageawareness #miscarriagesupport #hope #angelbaby #rainbowbaby
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